Oh, Christmas Tree.

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Ohh Christmas tree, ooooh Christmas tree!

That song was circling my head on Sunday morning when my husband surprised me with a question I never thought I’d hear leave his mouth, “do you want to go get a Christmas tree today?”

Ok, let me backtrack before I make him sound like the Grinch… We moved into a new apartment this past February with the ceilings a smidge lower than what we had at our old apartment. To my dismay, I attempted to put up our artificial tree on November 8th (because I’m probably a degenerate of one of Santa’s elves) to find out it was TOO TALL for our apartment! I almost cried and thought there would be no Christmas this year (just kidding, I didn’t), but I was seriously crushed. I quickly rushed off to Starbucks for a red cup full of Christmas Cheer aka Peppermint Mocha, to boost my Christmas moral. It worked.

With all that sugar running through my brain I started to rack up ideas as to what to do about this too-tall-tree dilemma. I thought about getting a saw and cutting off the bottom part to make it shorter (Brooke and power tools is already sounding like a HORRIBLE idea), then I thought about going and buying a new artificial tree that was shorter and saw how much they were going for and decided that it might just be better to shove that tree up and not  care if the top half was completely flopped over because of the ceilings (not the prettiest look but it beats paying $250 for a fake tree – besides, imperfection is beauty!) and then I came to the grand idea of just sucking it up and getting a real one.

I know there is a whole debate about real vs. fake. I like most of my things to be real; designer handbags, men, and boobs, etc. But I will always like my Christmas tree to be fake. Fake and perfect.

I would prefer not to have pine needles piercing my foot after they fall off the tree. I would much rather not have to water anything daily, that is too much commitment. They aren’t shaped “perfect.” You can’t change your mind and return it if you decide it isn’t the right fit for your home. The fear of your house going up in flames because you forgot to water it and now it’s dry and you sparked the outlet when you plugged in the lights (I’ve heard horror stories)? The list goes on.

Well, when push came to shove, I was 99.9% sure I was going to say, “No tree this year.” Then go cry in a corner. And that was going to be that.

Mr. Retherford had other plans. He didn’t want his wife to be sad on Christmas. So he had the brilliant idea of going to get a REAL tree. One we had to pick out ourselves, water it daily and put lights on it ourselves. Ugg.

Ok, fine.  I obliged. But there was a rule involved, he had to be the one to take care of it. He has to make sure it’s properly fed and taken care of and he is in charge of lights.

So we went and picked out a real tree. It took us all of 5 minutes. $45 dollars later we tied that sucker down on top of the truck and we were outta there.

Off to Target for a stand and some lights… “3 boxes of lights should do it. Perhaps a tree skirt? No, no, $40 on a tree skirt from Target? Nah. Three boxes of lights and a stand coming right up. $40.”

We get home. There is a small lovers quarrel about where to put the furniture that’s in the tree’s soon-to-be-home. Blah, blah, blah. Furniture is now homed in the most uncommon places but whatevs. Life goes on.

And then. The tree goes up. It is HUGE. It takes up half of our living room and I instantly think it’s too big. I want to take it down and throw it out. Or donate it to someone who has a bigger living area. I hate it. It’s hideous and it’s HUGE. And these damn pine needles are now EVERY WHERE. Ugg. Did I mention it’s HUGE?!

Ryan was being relatively optimistic (besides overthinking about how HUGE it is), and saying, “let’s put up the lights and see how it looks.”

Box one, up. Box two, up. Box three, up… Uhmmm there’s not enough lights to fill up the tree. UGG!!! We both kind of look at each other, as in – who’s going to volunteer to go back to Target to get another box? Howdy ho! It was me! Lucky ol’ me. But then it was requested that I bring home  Starbucks for the Mister and myself and all was well.

Off to Target! Again.

I get there. I make a beeline to the lights section. Only to find out they are fresh out of the kind we just bought. The special, big, round, warm color bulbs. The ones I just HAD to have.

Home Depot run, they have to have them. Right?

No. They don’t.

Walmart! Of course Walmart will have them. They have everything! Except for the special Phillips B6 Warm Colored Christmas lights I’m looking for!!!! UGG UGG UGG!!!

I call Ryan, I’m a bit frantic thinking this will be the ugliest, biggest Christmas tree ever. And then he says, “just a get a couple packs of the normal lights and we cant just double them up and intertwine them with the other lights.” I knew I married him for a reason. Genius!

I grab a few boxes of lights, go through the Starbucks drive through, head on home and happily throw these lights up on the tree and then get to decorating!  Another $40.

I open the boxes of lights to see that I bought the kind of lights with 19 different settings. There is the spastic setting – super fast and blinking lights, there is the seizure setting – you just aren’t quite sure of what the lights are doing or it could in fact induce you to have a seizure, there is the soft candlelit glow setting – and plenty of other ones I just haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing yet.

The lights are up, they all work. Just put the damn balls on the tree already.

What we ended up with was a huge, WONDERFULLY smelling, beautiful Christmas tree and I am so in love with her.

Everyone, meet The Tree.

 

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$125 later, we have a beautiful, HUGE, Christmas tree. We will be enjoying her for the next 2 weeks. Wait, that seems like a lot of money and work for only 2 weeks? UGG. We could’ve bought a fake one.

 

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